Jan. 17th, 2009

bohor: (Closing in)
This is a long and meandering post that eventually ends up being about FC, but it needs some context so that I only seem kind of silly and stupid rather than totally insane and delusional. It can probably be summed up simply as "I probably need several pints of therapy" with just a slight tangy undertones of unnecessary neediness.

You see, the con is coming up, and rather than being excited, or nervous or anxious about a deadline, I'm filled with an oppressive, overwhelming, and totally irrational feeling of dread and apprehension. And this makes no sense at all, because I'm not worried about whether I'll enjoy the con or have fun visiting with friends. No, no, no...this makes far less sense than that.

I'm kind of lucky in the sense that I generally don't suffer from nightmares; however, I do have these weird kind of recurring "whine-mares" - dreams that aren't scary, but are frustrating as all hell. I've had them since I was a kid. The earliest one would attach itself to any other dream regardless of the situation, and always marked the end of the dream. The scenes, situations, and people would change, but the core event was always the same: somebody would ask me a question that I knew and really wanted to answer, but I was unable to speak, so I would just wander away without saying anything (then wake up). Around high school later this evolved into different version in which, in the middle of a conversation (often mid-sentence), I would just stop talking and walk away (then wake up). I didn't want to, but the urge was irresistible. (And worse, I started having the urge during the day too.)

About the turn of the century, a new one entered the repertoire. In it, I'm taking mass transit - usually BART or a bus. That's the majority of the dream: transit. And I don't really know where I'm going or why I'm there, but I end up in a city where I don't know anybody, but I have an apartment there that I forgot I had rented. Mail is piled up on the floor, and I am several months overdue on the rent. And strangely, there is never another person anywhere in this dream. And...that's it. Usually I wake up or get back on mass transit, though I never arrive anywhere.

Parts of that dream make sense to me. I mean, I really did once live in a city where I knew nobody, in a desolate city in a barren apartment that was essentially given to me when a friend moved out of town, which I stayed at only one night a week for about four months. That all makes sense to me, but the mass transit and the sheer pointlessness of it, and the sudden fear of realizing I forgot about an apartment I was renting... the meaning of all that still escapes me.

But this is a post about FC, so how does that fit into all this? )


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