Oct. 25th, 2009

bohor: (WWWD?)
...I would have totally named them "The Deal", just so the first album could have be called This Is the Deal. In fact, with a name like that, all the album titles - and indeed the history of the band itself - is predetermined. Our second album, Here's The Deal, would have been slightly better than the first, but sell less. Dejected and owing thousands to the label that just dropped us, a half-empty bar in Flagstaff would witness what would unexpectedly be our final show. The resulting bootleg, Deal Me Out, would have only nine tracks, including the brief sixth track — "It's Just Four-Four, You Goddamn Mongoloid" — and the final track, "No You Fuck Off, It's My Fucking Van".

Many years later, an cred-seeking indie hipster would cite us as a major influence, correctly assuming that nobody had ever heard of us. Our former label wouldn't even attempt to contact us before cashing in by releasing What a Deal!, a compilation of our two albums, and an utterly horrendous live album called Hey! Deal With It! Finally there would be an audience sophisticated enough to worship our musical genius, who we'd be sure would carry us all the way to the peak of Not-Fucking-Poordom. After weeks of interviews where each band member made it absolutely clear that we'd never reunite for the money, we'd reunite for the money. The cocaine-fueled national tour would quickly remind listeners why they'd never heard of us before.

On the road, wallowing in empty halls and apathy, we'd enter the studio record our first album in nearly a decade, Deal of the Century. A Pitchfork review would call it "an enormous artistic vacuum that could only have spawned from the massive imploding egos of four aging rockstars who have long since exhausted what little creative energy they had". By the time 2009 rolled around, the album would be a staple in dollar bins nationwide. The band's only releases of the 21st century would be the Rhino greatest hits collection That Was The Deal — prominently featured in a predictably futile series of post-2AM television advertisements — and a massive lawsuit against their former label. The judge's only comments in dismissing the case would consist of sounds the court stenographer was unable to transcribe into text. With nothing else left to divide up except our mutual contempt and loathing for each other, we'd inevitably begin arguing over the rights to the name, spawning a few page 7 filler newspaper articles with crushingly predictable headlines like "What's the Deal with The Deal?" and "Who's Deal Is It?"

None of us would ever be heard from after that, except briefly in 2015 when a MySpace page would appear for The New Deal. Three solo acoustic demos would be posted, garnering a total of 16 "kudos" and four links to foreign pharmacies.

EDIT/ERRATA: According to rateyourmusic.com, five bands have use the name The Deal, and none ever did any of those things we were expecting.


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December 2010

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